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Top 10 Athlete Excuses for Failed Drug Tests

If you’re going to cheat, at least be like this deceiving bunch and come up with a creative excuse why

With the baseball season getting underway, it got me to thinking: what are some of the best excuses out there for failed drug tests?

So I did a little research, enjoyed some laughs, and then compiled this list of the 10 best excuses I found. Since it’s a new ball season, we’re bound to get a bounty of new excuses, so I chose to avoid baseball entirely, for now, at least.

Enjoy:

10. Race Walking: Daniel Plaza, an Olympic gold medalist, blamed his positive test on having oral sex with his pregnant wife the night prior. (What a douche!)

9. Tennis: Speaking of being pregnant, Bulgarian tennis star Sesil Karatancheva attributed one of her positive tests on the fact that she was pregnant. Minor detail: urine samples showed no evidence of pregnancy.

8. Track: As long as we’re on the whole pregnancy/sex being an excuse for testing positive, let’s roll right over to American track star Dennis Mitchell who blamed testing positive for elevated levels of testosterone from having five beers and four sexual encounters with his wife the night before the test.

7. Tennis: Star Petr Korda tested positive at Wimbledon in 1998 and blamed the results on his having had a veal entrée. Experts estimated that Korda would’ve had to of eaten 40 calves a day for 20 years straight to account for the levels of steroid in his system.

6. Cycling: American rider Tyler Hamilton offered a very peculiar answer when he tested positive for blood doping at a race. He said that the different blood that mixed with his own could have come from a “vanishing twin” whom he had absorbed in utero. Thirty. Four. Years. Earlier.

5. Track: Star Justin Gatlin failed a test in 2006 when he showed high levels of testosterone in his system. His coach, Trevor Graham, blamed a massage therapist who, seeking revenge against Gatlin, rubbed cream containing the steroid into Gaitlin’s legs without the runner knowing.

4. Women’s Soccer: Five North Korean soccer players were suspended for steroid-use at the 2011 Women’s World Cup. The team’s delegation claimed that the steroids were unknowingly included with traditional Chinese medicines based on musk deer glands. And why, do you ask, were they taking medicines based on musk deer glands? Because the players needed them to recover from being struck by lightning during training. Obviously.

3. Track: Gold medalist LaShawn Merritt was suspended after failing three tests over three months. The drug he was taking? Penis enhancement pills.

2. Tennis: French tennis player Richard Gasquet tested positive for cocaine prior to an event. He blamed the results on his having kissed a girl who ingested cocaine at a nightclub the evening prior. Believe it or not, a tribunal cleared him to return to competition.

1. Snowboarding: Canadian boarder Ross Rebagliati tested positive for weed after winning goal at the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan.  His excuse? Second-hand smoke. The result? He got to keep his medal.

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